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03:16am 09/11/2006
  so im at another livejournal status breakdown in my life, i just finished the 3rd season of the o.c. and im going back and watching the 1st and 2nd season. im soo cool.

anyways, im finally over tim, all this took was meeting a boy jonny of whom i fell for. one of those black leather jackets and rides a motorcycle type of guys, BUUT he was also one to wear his helmet. i thought he would change into what i saw in him but i quickly realized that i spend too much time trying to create someone that is going to make me happy instead of just becomming happy on my own. story short i get hurt again and im stuck watching the o.c. which is exactly what i did a year ago with tim, only this time it didnt hurt nearly as bad.

i want the life of the cohens, i want my nice place in cali overlooking some deserted beach and i want my crazy family and lots of wine. but most of all i want to be me, all the crazyness, but contentment with it.

right now i really need to focus on graduating because i am sitting in this place and i am waay to scared to look back because i dont like what i used to be but at the same time im scared to look forward?? and i dont really know why or what to do about it but im stuck, and it reminds me of the quote "you either get better or worse you never stay the same" and this scares me. i am rapidly becomming what i hate and i hate it.

so my goals for right now are

*finish classes in order to graduate highschool
*get over tim and onny

and my rules are

-do not memorize any boys number EVER
-no more relationships
-no more doing nothing
-do not tell a boy about my past
-no crying
-more vacationing

its time for me to start enjoying my senior year. i cant sit and mope around about life anymore because theres just no time for it. my life is meant for so much more than sitting around hopeing for some answer to come swooping up and drop into my lap. i need to go and work my ass off for my dreams. thats it, just go freakin do it.

i really needed to get all this out.
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my trip!!   
06:13pm 03/09/2006

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good mornin!   
10:37am 10/07/2006
  Mmmm.. The smell of coffee and re-inventing myself!

I love sun rises and itinerary's!

dear negative girl, "grow up"

I love my life! All it takes is a deep breath, an evil smile, and a great plan of retaliation.

<3 Brittney Gearhart

p.s. I'm emptying my life-like recycle bin of deleted feelings because its filled with my web of procrastination , and it feels damn good baby!

10% luck
20% skill
15% concentrated power of will
5% pleasure
50% pain
100% reason to remember the name

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06:11pm 03/07/2006
  i gotta stay fly  
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03:21pm 28/05/2006

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11:25pm 14/05/2006

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04:53pm 30/04/2006

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05:45am 22/04/2006
  life hits a point where you have to just step back, completely sober, and stop. then and only then can you stop falling and start walking forward again. i love my life, but i have so much more fucking potential then this measily ass bullshit i am pulling, its so immature and deconstructive. sure i CAN do it, but i honeslty CANT as in shouldn't do it anymore.. im digging myself this horribly deep grave and it must stop. this doesen mean some biblical prophet came to me and suddenly i am not going to have sex drink or do drugs.. BUT i am going to do an experiment, one that last exactly one year from todays date of april 22 2006 to april 22 2007, and at the end of that year i will write a paper, however long, that explains my meaning, reasoning, and existance.

the end.
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10:54pm 18/04/2006
  i want the movies

-clockwork orange
-ciggarettes and coffee

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10:50am 16/04/2006

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04:19pm 14/04/2006
  I feel waay too moderate, my body is being pulled by both extremes of a positive and negative atmosphere and it scares me.


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01:34am 07/04/2006
  i need to find a career where i can be isolated. im a social butterfly, but when it comes to higher officials i absolutely cannot stand the lack of power i feel. therefore, i must figure out what i am doing in life that fits with my ever complicated personality

my credentials

- i can go days with no sleep
- i am very organized
- i am amazing in sales especially with something of my own
- i love diplomacy when i want something

i havent slept in 3 days and i cant fall asleep. i finally tasted some inspiration today, it felt nice. friends are coming and going very quickly at this point in my life and im not sure weather i like it or not. i met someone and my psychic told me it would happen, but im not entirely sure if hes "the one" she was talking about.

i am going to go cheat now, i really shouldent get into this again, but i really need to sleep.
blow up the parlimentry and protest the government   
03:11am 05/04/2006
  I don’t understand why I am expected to be moderate among humyn? I don’t understand why I am constantly ridiculed by people that should be most supportive. my outbreaks of affection or in their words "attention/ bipolar" are merely another piece of the puzzle I am. In order for me to be real I must deal with my difficult puzzle instead of faking an entire life by cheating and getting the answers to my problems from some superior knowledge such as the upside down answers on a cereal box. the only pain I have felt in weeks is over something unimportant, and I have found inspiration in nothing since the end of January. I have lost all that I have gained including any self respect I was clinching on to. I honestly just feel lost and as much as I want someone to find me I know I must guide myself through whatever fucking wood I have ran away too in my mind. my mind is really starting to scare me because i don’t have any control of it anymore.

I have not felt a genuine positive charge in my body in weeks. and I don’t like the feeling of desperation.
05:21pm 27/03/2006
Take the quiz:
what kind of drug are you? (includes pictures)

you are cocaine. addictive, expensive and confident.

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02:48pm 10/03/2006
  I have decided that in order to open up new doors I need to close old ones, all of these pictures are of a past that needs to be cut, I’ve accepted that trying to maintain relationships is mutually exclusive with immaturity, so… as I leave for England I leave behind all the bullshit that people describe as logic and I take with me the knowledge of people that loved instead of criticized me. I will come home with no fear towards understanding, and no thought for the people that fucked me over for their own self enjoyment.

LOVE <3 Britty!


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01:37am 07/03/2006

how the fuck do you play spades and hearts and free cell?? im such a smart person but when it comes to this shit i just cant get it. it took forever to teach me the simplicity of poker!! help me!! im so frustrated!

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05:18pm 23/02/2006
  you are all fucking insane.

i will now be a siptisist, goodbye.

excuse me, solipsism
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04:18am 19/02/2006
  I miss tuscon already.
I miss the social acceptance.
I hate mesa more than I can even express.
I miss boy - so amazing
i miss drunk poker and moose nuts.
i miss making out with sarah JAGER - gauger
I love feeling complete yet growing.
i miss sleeping with the terrorist. no really.

overall, im so happy.
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02:31am 16/02/2006
  i miss simplicity  
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01:24am 15/02/2006
  "humans are innately inhumane witch explains much of the misery and suffering in the world"

cemetery was the angriest yet

Hink was numbing

valentines was numbing

Brokeback mountain gave me no hope for love at all

annoying guy next to me made me angry

throughout all of this, i was thinking about one person. this time that one person is physically alive but mentally dead. and its extremely painful.